Sexual Abuse:
The first case of sexual abuse was when I was just able to use the bathroom by myself. I was in a grocery store with my mom and I had to use the facilities but I told my mom I wanted to do it on my own. She let me go and a man came in shortly after I did and he molested me.
This raised a lot of questions for me and none of which were constructive. I began to withdraw and speak less, I have a stutter and a lisp which can be caused by traumatizing events as a child, and not wanting to do anything. My mom didn’t do anything after the incident even though I came out crying. Eventually my dad had some questions for me and we went into a bathroom in the family home so we could talk.
I had sexual and anatomical questions way beyond my years and I can still remember how furious he was at the situation. This spawned an unforeseen chain of events that has been with me to this day.
My father then proceeded to rape me in the shower while I was learning how to do that and molested me as well. Much later in life I came to find out from my father that he was abused sexually by his uncle. If not corrected and forgiven the sins committed unto us shall we also commit.
My brother also used to try and force things on me or influence me to do things, some of his friends were involved with those situations as well. I also had a school principle molest me as well.
We are taught, by not being taught, that sexual abuse is wrong but we are never truly shown where and what God says about it. Noah was sexually abuse by two of his sons, Jacob was sexually harassed and framed of rape by a woman, Amnon one of king David’s sons raped his half sister, the story of the concubine, and even Jesus was sexually assaulted.
He too was abused sexually by being forced naked, beaten, and mocked. In Hebrews chapter 4 verse 15 it says how Jesus was tempted and understands all of our experiences here on earth. In stead of holding on to what was being done to Him he forgave his transgressors and loved them.
I know that is easier said than done for us but the example was laid before us.
People who have never gone through something as polarizing as sexual or extreme forms of abuse have a hard time grasping why victims sometimes become perpetrators. To those of you who are reading this with someone or for someone I’m going to take a short segment and help you understand. I will also be able to tie it back to God and how to get better so you can own your testimony.
When something like this happens everything is questioned. Manhood, sexuality, trust, self worth, faith, and your life. Once I was able to start coming to grips with what happened a whole new genre of questions arose no one prepared me for: My first sexual experience was as a child, I became sexual active at 4 years old. There is literally almost no time for me to remember being a “virgin”.
The weight of these questions and emotions will completely cripple a man if he is unable to forgive his assailant/s and own his past. If the trauma is abuse or sexual abuse in nature it can come back through outward expression if it consumes him. The ptsd will consume every fiber of his being until it is revisited in a healthy manner or in a perpetuated cycle of destruction.
When God says the sins of the fathers will be upon the sons to the third and fourth generations it does not mean if your dad sins you must pay for his sins. It is saying that unless the sins are dealt with they will continue. I took this as burden for most of my life until the real meaning was shown to me. The sins my father committed to me would be repeated and unforgiven unless I made a stand to find God, have Him help me forgive, and use it to help better others.
This is where the power of testimony comes in. Looking back I can understand why I was so withdrawn, angry, full of the world but I wouldn’t trade it away now. Having a bigger story means a bigger audience, the range of demographics we can speak too, the age ranges, there is not a single person that our stories can not move. God gave us such an incredible tool to help better not only our lives but the lives of others through Jesus Christ and his grace.
Physical and Mental Abuse
The physical abuse started before the mental abuse in my childhood. The physical abuse started as anger outbursts by my dad and eventually my brother but it escalated to much more.
We were treated as better not seen or heard unless called upon and my siblings and I each had a custom paddle made with nicknames and something painted on them. My dad would never hit our faces but our bodies were fair targets especially the bottom of my feet.
He would have us, or at least try to have us, help him at times as well. He would ask us to hold each other down or help corner one another for more optimal beating. As I got older, me being the youngest, I became to strong for anyone to hold down or subdue so it became more mental from there.
The last form of physical abuse is tied to mental, it involved sports. I was forced to go to wrestling matches or tournaments with fevers, illness, or keep performing through injury unless he thought it was sufficient to keep me out. Sophomore year of high school I had bulged and partially ruptured my L4 disc lifting and in training camp for football. I went to doctors, scans, muscle therapists for months until they medical made my father pull me from playing. I was walking bent over with an outward swing in my stride due to nerve interference and pinching.
Junior year of high school I was outside working on my heavy bag for boxing and I found out that a dear friend in high school was raped. I became enraged and proceeded to break both of my hands while training. My punishment for getting hurt was that I was not allowed to go to the hospital. I was able to reshape two of my knuckles while the others stayed collapsed. My punishment for this was letting them free heal with no medical visits or cats. To this day all of my fingers are still crooked, knuckles flattened or bent to a side, weakened grip, and hand pain and swelling. My hands and my back were two of my biggest obstacles for getting over my past because they literally linger and continue to pester me.
The mental abuse started as a way to get me to listen to my father because I tried to rebel and better myself away from him at a young age. Constant berates and shut downs, insults, and slander. As a child I became so low that I hid in my room all day and night until I couldn’t hear anyone to try and go to the bathroom without being seen or grab whatever food I could quickly grab and disappear with. I formed eating disorders and image dysmorphia.
When my parents were in the middle of the divorce my mother threw it in my face that I was molested in that grocery store bathroom and that she never told anyone. A later date she made a joke about it saying it was all just a joke and it never happened.
This made getting over my past difficult, as well as due to events being mocked, reopened, and used against me.
None of this is an excuse for me to hold on to my past and prior behavior. Forgiving and moving on is not only healthy for us but it’s a commandment from God. The Bible speaks many times about the importance of forgiveness but there are scriptures that apply directly to us. I will list them here:Proverbs 13:2-3, Proverbs 3:31, Leviticus 18:16, Psalm 91:1-16, Romans 12:9, Hebrews 13:5, Isaiah 61:1.
Even He 